Tuesday, February 5, 2013

10 Reasons I Hate Being a Girl

I got 99 problems and being a woman are 10.

1&2.  Ovaries.
Fuck you left one for this month…and a big preemptive fuck you goes out to the right one for next month.


3. Nail polish. If you abstain from nail polish, you are a dirt bag hippy who will never find love past the half smoked blunt in your Toyota Corolla.  If you do choose to wear it, you have sold your soul to the Sally Hansen Devil. You have now committed an hour of your life every week to removing, prepping, repainting and drying the very nails that inevitably will crack, chip, and smudge while you sleep. Cut to no one noticing your effort, ever.

4. Hair. From the shaving, to the waxing, to the plucking, the maintenance never ends. And that's not even the hair on our heads. Do you know what goes into the decision to cut bangs? A summit of the United Nations couldn’t fathom that kind of effort.

5. Boobs. Always a problem. You have small ones, it's a problem. You have large ones, it's a problem. Guys like them and you feel objectified. Guys don't like them and you feel insignificant. Who run the world?? Boobs (Beyoncé voice).

6. Being lady-like. FUCK! SHIT! BALLS! BLUMKIN! BUKAKKE! God that felt good. Now I will go back to giggling and saying “yes Sir” and “thanks Ma’am” and vacuuming in heels while my muffins bake.

7. Dieting. Girls are always one cheeseburger away from having to change their “body type” on Match.com to “curvy”. Lettuce doesn't taste like bacon. Yes I would like fries with that, but I will take the side salad because I don’t want to die alone.
8. Emotions.  Mix one part Sarah McLachlan animal commercial with a dose of The Notebook, and a pinch of Long Island Medium to create…one blubbering idiot. 
AIM Screen name:
Killa52

9. Expenses. Yes the man has to pay for dinner, boo-the-fuck-hoo. Do you know how much prep work and money was spent on looking this exceptionally mediocre? Shampoo, conditioner, white strips, hair spray, moisturizer, lotion, foundation, eye-liner, mascara, bronzer, hair dryer, hair straighter, perfume, heels, jeans, top, necklace, earrings, belt, purse. Ugh, I am exhausted
10. Athleticism. I could have had both the money and the bitches, but I was not born with the capability to play professional football. Do you know how many people I could have killed?

Now back to watching, Say Yes to the Dress, sobbing and looking for a man on Tinder while I exfoliate my pores. <dramatic faint>

19 comments:

  1. this was hilarious - especially the Who runs the World "Boobs"
    lmao

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  2. And all that so you get approached rather than (with exception) doing the approaching. Fortunately all of us males ARE in the NFL and have both the money and the b*&%es.

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    Replies
    1. I totally am fine with this if you promise to share part of your money and someeee of your bitches?

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    2. And what are YOU bringing to "the table?" A deal can be made here. As Winston Churchill once said:"... now we are just settling on the price."

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    3. Wow I never thought Winston Churchill would ever be quoted on my blog. Thank you for adding that educational value. I bring nothing to the table. I am hoping to cash in gov't aid for your services. How many food stamps will it take to get one of your bitches?

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  3. Yes, yes, and yes. Spot on with every point!

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  4. "...and vacuuming in heels while my muffins bake."

    Crazy sexy sentence.

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    Replies
    1. and ohhh so practical. That's why I do it every night.

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    2. I am 25 and a virgin....Any luck?

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  5. Ah the joy of being in one's 50s. Those things that seemed so critical in my 20s? Just silly nonsense to me now. This is the "it gets better" talk. And it does. It is GREAT.

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  6. I totally hate being a girl. In my culture, tampons are banned because they resemble, well... so no swimming for 5 days a month in the thick of Summers + the abominable pain. Waxing every month, while your brother and father look like wearing sweaters of human hair. You do study, do your Masters and PhD, but only to get a good, 'well-educated' match as a husband. And if he decides to re-locate, you leave your job because the woman is the 'home-maker', not the man. You have to sew the family together. You are the honour, so uphold your responsibilities. Come back home before dark, don't drink, don't talk to unknown men, don't party too much, you can like metal music, just don't go to a concert. You can dream, but don't expect them to come true. You have money, people who love you, a house, water and food... what more do you need? If you question these norms, you are straying outside the definition of a 'good girl' because a 'good girl' 'listens to her elders'. Annnnndddd... the cherry on the cake, you get to be 9 months of hell, followed by labour, while your husband take the credit for being 'such a supportive husband'. All this, when you are 23 years old.
    Man, being a girl SUCKS ! If I have an enemy, I will curse them with being a girl in their next month!!!

    You must have guessed by now.... I am from India!

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  7. **in their next BIRTH!!!

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  8. This was exactly what I needed, right at the moment I read it. Hilarious.

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  9. I agree with you!All these girly things is a bullshit.
    I don't have patient!
    Congratulations for the text!

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  10. The problem with me is that I don't like my own gender, female, because they simply scare the shit out of me. Being polite? No thank you. I'd rather be myself. I like heels, but I can't stand walking in them for a long time. I prefer work boots, a t-shirt, messed up jeans, and a belt or suspenders. I always have my diamond earrings. Yet, how annoying it is to be a girl. I really do prefer I was a guy.
    ♥ Thanks for posting this love ♥

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    Replies
    1. So true! Guys can fart, belch, be crass, and people find that endearing. They can put on a t-shirt, jeans, and tennis shoes and still look sexy. While a lady must be size 0, with an impeccable figure, charming, smile, and be polite to even garner a bit of respect from society. I hate the shows where celebrities claim they never fart or take a dump in front of their husbands. How do they live?! I do like getting dolled up and dressed up on occasion, but that is the only thing I like about being a girl. Too bad I still find guys irresistibly hot and sexy or I just wouldn't bother. I would also prefer I was a guy as well.

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  11. Lol agree with everything is stupid to be a girl we have SOOOO many problems an dboys have so few

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