1&2. Ovaries. Fuck you left one for this month…and a big preemptive fuck you goes out to the right one for next month.
3. Nail polish. If you abstain from nail polish, you are a dirt bag hippy who will never find love past the half smoked blunt in your Toyota Corolla. If you do choose to wear it, you have sold your soul to the Sally Hansen Devil. You have now committed an hour of your life every week to removing, prepping, repainting and drying the very nails that inevitably will crack, chip, and smudge while you sleep. Cut to no one noticing your effort, ever.
4. Hair. From the shaving, to the waxing, to the plucking, the maintenance never ends. And that's not even the hair on our heads. Do you know what goes into the decision to cut bangs? A summit of the United Nations couldn’t fathom that kind of effort.
5. Boobs. Always a problem. You have small ones, it's a problem. You have large ones, it's a problem. Guys like them and you feel objectified. Guys don't like them and you feel insignificant. Who run the world?? Boobs (Beyoncé voice).
6. Being lady-like. FUCK! SHIT! BALLS! BLUMKIN! BUKAKKE! God that felt good. Now I will go back to giggling and saying “yes Sir” and “thanks Ma’am” and vacuuming in heels while my muffins bake.
7. Dieting. Girls are always one cheeseburger away from having to change their “body type” on Match.com to “curvy”. Lettuce doesn't taste like bacon. Yes I would like fries with that, but I will take the side salad because I don’t want to die alone.
8. Emotions. Mix one part Sarah McLachlan animal commercial with a dose of The Notebook, and a pinch of Long Island Medium to create…one blubbering idiot.
|AIM Screen name: |
9. Expenses. Yes the man has to pay for dinner, boo-the-fuck-hoo. Do you know how much prep work and money was spent on looking this exceptionally mediocre? Shampoo, conditioner, white strips, hair spray, moisturizer, lotion, foundation, eye-liner, mascara, bronzer, hair dryer, hair straighter, perfume, heels, jeans, top, necklace, earrings, belt, purse. Ugh, I am exhausted
10. Athleticism. I could have had both the money and the bitches, but I was not born with the capability to play professional football. Do you know how many people I could have killed?
Now back to watching, Say Yes to the Dress, sobbing and looking for a man on Tinder while I exfoliate my pores. <dramatic faint>