Friday, April 11, 2014

TODAY'S BREAKING NEWS:

While in Las Vegas, Hilary Clinton was nearly taken out by a poor fashion choice...


       ...AND SOMEONE THREW A SHOE AT HER TOO!!

Rants on Rants on Rants

Volume I: The "Kickstarter" Generation

You see, I would totally love to give you money to follow your dreams and all, buttttt there is this little thing called my life that I have to pay for. 

I get it, you want to create a crappy indie film or have me pay for your trip to Thailand so you can teach Pilates to blind orphans, but I must have skipped the part where the bank of Sydney was now responsible for supplying your personal petty cash. 

I would like to go to a fancy restaurant tonight and drink $1000 bottle champagne, as a topless Channing Tatum hands me chocolate covered strawberries, plated in diamonds and $100 bills, but you don't see me trolling the internet like a virtual call girl. 

I remember the good ole days where people, I don't know, got a job to support themselves. Believe it or not I did not write "in a cubicle, with no windows, babysitting government employees" in my 5th grade yearbook when asked what I wanted to do when I was older.   

Yet this epidemic of entitlement amongst my peers seems to be spreading. In fact, WebMD recently released a study showing that the rate in carpal tunnel in people my age is on the rise because of 'increased stress on wrists from handouts'*

We now live in a world that instead of going out and changing our situation we write a depressing Facebook status, buy a lottery ticket and hope the universe runs a truck full of gold bars and rainbows into our front door. By god, if that were the case I’d be on my couch with my hand in my underpants watching Dr. Phil right now. SPOILER ALERT: it's not. Stop it, just stop it. Stop being a charity case because it's tacky and obnoxious.  

(world's smallest violin plays in the background)



*WebMD actually never released such a study, I totally made it up. All quotes associated...totally made up as well.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Profile Picture Analysis

Facebook has created monsters. Filter-obsessed, crop-enthused monsters. The "Profile Pic" has become the gateway to our online presence, so ensuring the right message gets across is vital to securing our place in the virtual community. Unfortunately, seeing past this façade is rather easy. Now people might not like what they are about to read, but if you use my translations, 60% of the time they work every time.  

What your profile picture says about you:

You in a group of people.
What you think it means: "Look I have friends"
What it really means: "Woof"

You and your significant other.
What you think it means: "I am so happy and in love"
What it really means: "F*CK YOU SINGLE FRIENDS!!"

You with a bare-skinned body part in the forefront.
What you think it means: "Hi haters, I am comfortable in my skin"
What it really means: "Please, someone tellll me I am pretttty!!"

You working out.
What you think it means: "Be fit. Be Happy."
What it really means: "At night, I eat an entire container of peanut butter and cry myself to sleep"

A picture of your child.
What you think it means: "I love my kids so much!"
What it really means: "I've let myself go... please focus on my #tbt pics from college"

A icon supporting a cause.
What you think it means: "I am a dedicated activist"
What it really means: "Eh this'll do. F*ck if I'm going on a 3-day walk"

An artistic picture of you glancing out at a sunset.
What you think it means: "Life is so beautiful"
What it really means is: "Woof and/or foreigner"

A sports team logo.
What you think it means: "SPORTS!"
What it really means: "Single forever"

A selfie.
What you think it means: "Look at my natural beauty"
What it really means: "I sat in my car for 30 min taking pictures of myself"

You and a celebrity.
What you think it means: "I am cool and well connected"
What it really means: "I still call in to radio shows"


Nailed it.

*DISCALIMER: No human subjects were hurt conducting this study. Capital Sarcasm is not liable for your pride, confidence, and/or self-esteem. If you have an erection for longer than 4 hours, you're welcome.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I'm Feeling so Fly Like a G7

BREAKING NEWS: 

A transcript of the phone call between President Barack Obama and President Vladimir Putin has been leaked exclusively to Capital Sarcasm. The source who has asked to be anonymous (hahaha jk ***IT WAS SNOWDEN!!!***) managed to tap the Russian President's office, and send me a copy of the conversation that took place after the group, formally known as the G8, had an emergency, super secret, clubhouse meeting to decide Russia's fate on their MySpace "Top 8".


OBAMA: "Mr. Putin, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday."

PUTIN: "So...?"

OBAMA: "So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us."

PUTIN: "Whatever. Those rules aren't real."

OBAMA: "They were real that day I wore a vest!"

PUTIN: "Because that vest was disgusting!"

OBAMA: "YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US!!!"

"Ohh and Mr. Kraft wants his ring back."

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

State of the Union Recap

Quotes, not said by me during the State of the Union last night:

"I need to find out who styles that lady's hair"

"This is so interesting"

"I just love when they clap"

"There are no adult diapers in this room"
 
"That joke was super good Mr. President, well done"

"No please don't change the channel"

"This should happen every Tuesday"

"I LOVE CONGRESS!!"

"Boehner is never getting melanoma"

"Look at how in shape that guy is"

"They didn't exploit anyone tonight"

"OBAMACARE WORKS!!!"

"We totally helped Syria with all of their problems"

"Oh my god...mind blown"


Things I did say during the State of the Union:

"Man I really want pizza now"

$10/hour to feed my family buy a new iPhone


Thursday, January 16, 2014

Haters

Who are all these "haters"? They are so mysterious and mystical like unicorns or Dennis Rodman's frontal lobe. What flavor is Haterade? Did you ever think people might be sippin' it because it is chocolate and delicious? Is it mandatory to update your social network when you have finally receive a hater of your own? I kind of want a hater. I feel like if you ain't got a hater you ain't doing something right. Are there different kinds of haters? I definitely want one who throws shade!! I was always under the impression that was the suns job, but fuck it, if a hater can do that, I'll have two.  Does my hater come with a welcome packet and/or directions? 

 "You must make claim to me, but never release my name. You must insist on how jealous I am of you, even when you have nothing for me to be jealous of. You must always make Someecards which address me, but ironically state you do not pay me no mind. And lastly, no matter what, you must always hash tag #hihaters when photographing your stacks of money, documenting your vacations, or making a promotion announcement." 

I have noticed haters are drawn to shirtless selfies and entrepreneurship, but can I catch one solely with my stench of miserable bitch? I just want to be a part of this phenomenon. I want to Google "hater quotes" and make a meme of Kevin Hart looking disgusted.  I feel like haters are the new small puppy to carry around in your designer bag.  Now is the time that everyone embraces their haters...after all a hater is just a heart with dyslexia.

Can I get a side of Hater Tots?

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 via Capital Sarcasm

It is the end of the year, 2013. Could there be a better way to review all that has happened in the news this year than to read my informative live coverage via Twitter? You know that old expression, "nope". So here you go, 2013 through my eyes and sauseege fingers.

@CapitalSarcasm: Isn't the real problem with the Obamacare website the fact that people who cannot afford health care have a laptop and wifi package?

@CapitalSarcasm: When the government shuts down tomorrow, DC trash pickup stops. Which means Congress will have to walk home.

@CapitalSarcasm: Al-Shabaab sounds delicious. I love my Al-Shabaab with a side of pita and Hamas.

@CapitalSarcasm: A 13lb baby was born in Germany last week. In related news, my tubes just tied themselves.

@CapitalSarcasm: Obama said "we fumbled the roll out on this health care law". In related news, the Redskins changed their name to the Washington Obamacares.

@CapitalSarcasm: The news media needs to stop force feeding us Weiner.

@CapitalSarcasm: Dear Asiana airlines: I once saw an Asian back a Ford Focus into a brick building. Your business plan is flawed.

@CapitalSarcasm: PSA: If a guy worth 40 million dollars picks you up in a Nissan Altima, don't get in. #aaronhernandezproblems

@CapitalSarcasm: CNN is reporting Chris Brown was just charged with a hit and run. Guess he left the car door unlocked this time?

@CapitalSarcasm: If I was Kanye I would have named my baby Ray J and come out with a single "Who's your daddy?".

@CapitalSarcasm: Justin Bieber is on those Chaz Bono supplements. #puberty

@CapitalSarcasm: Feds are suggesting the legal blood-alcohol limit be lowered to .05 for a DUI. First dates everywhere just got 2 beers more awkward.

@CapitalSarcasm: <3 Charles Ramsey's teef <3

@CapitalSarcasm: Rap and country go together like a Kennedy and a steering wheel.

@CapitalSarcasm: A Kris without a Kross is just a Jenner.

@CapitalSarcasm: I am so fly, I've been delayed by the FAA furloughs

@CapitalSarcasm: Jason Collins is gay????? In related news, who the f*ck is Jason Collins?

@CapitalSarcasm: Dear people sending ricin to politicians, They don't read their own mail. Maybe send a ricin-laden call girl to their house?

‏@CapitalSarcasm: Every time they call Kim Jong Un the "Supreme Leader", I think of pizza. Apparently so does he.

@CapitalSarcasm: Rihanna and Chris Brown broke up? Is it because he accepted the position as the  new head coach for Rutgers Basketball? #hesqualified

@CapitalSarcasm: RIP Iron Lady. Everything is going to get so wrinkly now.

@CapitalSarcasm: If I wrote Taylor Swift's song "22" there would be a lot more puking, crying, and law enforcement interventions.

@CapitalSarcasm: "F*ck this shit"- Pope Benedict‏

@CapitalSarcasm: Rosie O'Donnell has 580,000 followers on Twitter? Is that because Hostess employees have a lot more time on their hands now?





For the latest riveting news coverage in 2014 follow me on Twitter bitches! @CapitalSarcasm

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

2013 Halloween Costume Suggestions

I have a lot of thoughts so I thought I'd provide you a Cliff's Notes guide to Halloween awesomeness. I know, I know, "I shouldn't have"...but I did.

Below you will find costume ideas with specific instructions on how to achieve maximum believability.  You need to follow these instructions closer than Jerry-Sandusky-in-a-conga-line-at-a-6-year-old's-birthday-party to ensure you will come away with the "best costume" prize this year:

 
CONGRESS:  Do nothing until January 15th.

EDWARD SNOWDEN:  Wear a furry hat. Drink vodka. Tell the world a secret they already knew.
"Tinkle Tinkle little star...."

COMCAST:  Break shit. Don't answer your phone. Be 20 minutes late to everything.

PEYTON MANNING:  Just piss on everyone, all day.

R KELLY:  Just piss on everyone, all day.

HEALTHCARE.GOV: On second thought, that costume doesn't work yet.
 
SUPER MARIO BROTHERS:  Call 1998 and give it its costume back.

'NSYNC:  Dress like Justin Timberlake. Forget to call four more friends; trick or treating alone will be more successful.
 
Why Daddy?
CNN/FOXNews:  Speculate. Speculate. Speculate. Be completely wrong.

PLAYBOY BUNNY: Forgive your father. Enroll in a technical college.

A-ROD:  Shrink your balls. Cry to a hooker. Cry to a hooker.

M&M'S:  Sit on my desk. Seduce me. Strap yourself to my thighs for eternity.

MILEY CYRUS:  Dress like Amanda Bynes.

If none of these tickle your fancy and you'd like to be something a tad more respectable...just be ME!!

CAPITAL SARCASM: Drink coffee till noon and then switch to vodka. Empty your wallet into the toilet and sob. Top off the day with a quesadilla, a Choco Taco and a 3 month subscription to Weight Watchers. Sob.

 
Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

My Last Blog Post Ever??

This weekend I embark on a major milestone in my life. No I am not preggo, I just like bacon and sometimes (a lot of the times) choose beer cake over jogging. The milestone I am speaking of is my first camping trip...ever. I am pretty indoorsy, like vitamin-d deficient, robe, slippers, and hand-sanitizer-slathered-all-over-my-body, indoorsy. Therefore, I am extremely nervous about my livelihood while "roughing it". I have been going over all of the possibilities of how I could possible die or at least severely destroy my life and this slide show in my head is not pretty. Drunkenly stumbling into the fire? Shooting myself in the knee with a Remmington? Or maybe a simple frostbite induced amputation? Even though all of these scenarios could warrant a featured appearance on "When Good Times Go Bad", the probability of these situations coming to fruition are meek. I have a much greater challenge to overcome. Cool Ranch Doritos. You see, I do this cute little thing when I drink...





...Which brings me to my real and valid fear of sleeping in middle of the woods...BEARS. Bears will be attracted to the smell of the fresh residue of Cool Ranch Doritos on my finger tips.

As a link to this very blog post has a chance of making it onto "CNN Breaking News", with an awkwardly found Facebook profile pic some intern Googled of me, I wanted to share with the world a list of things I am going to miss doing with my arms after they are inevitably gnawed off by a bear this weekend.

1. Eating candy. Candy has wrappers which is rude and inconsiderate.

2. Posting selfies at the gym. Not only will my beefy biceps and triceps be gone but I won't even be able to hold up a Smartphone to have strangers ogle at my sweet calves. Can I add a LoFi filter by voice command?

3. Cats Craddle. Now I haven’t played that shit since I was like 6, but the thought of no longer being able to wrap twine around my chubby little chode fingers instantly makes me realize how much I took that delightful game for granted.

4. Raise the Roof/Fist Pump. Everyone knows white people can only dance with their feet planted firmly on the ground, motionless, for fear of injury and guaranteed judgment. So what now? I will have to learn the headstand twerk or be stuck "walking it out" forever.

5. Writing this blog.

6. Wiping your tears after you read number 5.

7. Googling stuff. I Googled "do bears like Cool Ranch Doritos" in the moments before posting this blog. No results. Sunday morning, I will be the sole result, "yes" (typed with nose).

8. Jumping rope solo. I'll have to find a team. But, 7th graders are mean and I am clearly past my prime? Who will have me now?

9. Threatening to punch people in the baby maker. It creates a great logistical challenge to try and head-butt one in the ovaries.

10. Thimbles.

So as I potentionally leave the blogosphere forever for a career of pie eating/apple bobbing competitions, I just want to say, I love you all. Please tell CNN intern to use a picture circa spring 2012. Thanks!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Citizens for the Return of 90s R&B

Beautiful Lyrics, Beautiful Message.

For all of you who don't know, I was quite the gangster back in '97, living the hard knocks in central Connecticut, in the 6th grade. I studied the musical influences of the greats: 112, Dru Hill, Ma$e (fuck you Ke$ha) and the artist formally known as Puff Daddy. As I was low riding in the back swivel chair of my Mom's minivan, on the way to trumpet lessons, I would always bust out the lyrics to the freshest beats of the day. Now examining back, I am realizing that these lyrics were not only beautiful but they were the picture of romance and woman's suffrage. In case you were not privy to such genius you will find, listed below, the lyrics of one of my favorite jams, in plain text, no rifts necessary, for your reading pleasure. **Ignore the implied "rapey" vibe of the woman's voice in the song. Bitches be trippin'.


NEXT, "Too Close"

I wonder if she could tell I'm hard right now, hmmm
Yeah, come on, dance for me baby, ha ha, yeah
Ut oh, you feel that? Alright
Come on, don't stop now
You done did it, come on, uh, yeah, alright, hold on

Baby when we're grinding
I get so excited
Ooh, how I like it
I try but I can't fight it

Oh, you're dancing real close
Cuz it's real, real slow
(You know what you're doing, don't you)
You're making it hard for me
 
All the songs on you requested
You're dancing like you're naked
Oh, it's almost like we're sexing (oh yeah)
Yeah boo, I like it
No, I can't deny it
But I know you can tell
I'm excited, oh girl
 
(*Author's note: aforementioned "rapey vibe"-- totes unsolicited)
Step back you're dancing kinda close
I feel a little poke coming through
On you

Now girl I know you felt it
But boo, you know I can't help it
You know what I wanna do
 
(*Author's note: she's coming around..promise #love)
Step back you're dancing kinda close
I feel a little poke coming through
On you

Baby us dancing so close
Ain't a good idea (*Author's note: mixed signals for the win)
Cuz I'mma want you now and here
The way that you shake it on me
Makes me want you so bad sexually
Oh girl

I love when you shake it like that, ah, ah, ah
I see that you like it like that, oh, oh, oh
I love when you shake it like that, ah, ah, ah
I see that you like it like that, oh, oh, oh
 
I like the way you move
You're making me want you
Oh the way you move
I like those things you do
But you're a little too close  

 
FINAL AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you are a female and you didn’t just take your clothes off, fall in love, and validate yourself worth, you wouldn't know good American literature if it poked you in the ass on the dance floor!! Some may say this song is about a boner. I think it's about freedom. I blame Michael Bublé for the Government Shutdown. Bring back the real music America!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Dear Congress: An Open Letter You'll Never Read

Dear Congress,

It's me again! Apparently my first few attempts to correct your behavior have failed. I tried calling the Supernanny, but she was busy. As an American I feel it is my duty not to give up on you, so I will attempt once more time to polish this turd.

Come real close, I have to let you in on a little secret. The country thinks you are incompetent, self advancing and worthless. This saddens me as a political enthusiast who has spent the better part of her life defending you and the exceptional government machine that 'Merica has cultivated. "America works so well because we have checks and balances", uttered a younger (chubbier--hey I liked carbs) version of myself. I would appreciate you not making a fool of me.

Now that I have grown up and become a bolt in this aforementioned machine, you are not only hurting my faith in American ideologies but you are hurting my bank account. I am running out of eggs to sell. I spent 4 long, semi-sober, years in college to find a stable, self fulfilling career in civilian service. So far this year, you have already taken back 20% of my pay and forced hiring freezes, tripling my workload. Yet I continued to pay back my federal student loans, feeding the mouth that has bitten me. "That seems fair", said no one ever. To make matters worse being a government civilian and direct victim to your inability to compromise, I suffer the fate of being compared to you. No one cares when the self-serving Beltway Bandits take a hit. *By the way, nice LaDainian Tomlinson spin move getting out of those cuts yourself. 

For the record, I have never taken a dick pic (don't have one, but that’s beside the point). I have never misused my campaign finances. I have never forgotten the well-being of hundreds of thousands of government employees because my party has my nuts in a vice (same genitalia dilemma). I make my decisions on a day to day basis, to complete my job in a productive, beneficial manner for the community I am serving-- not in a way that will bode well for my reelection. And yet again, with the end of the fiscal year quickly approaching, I find myself in the same predicament. Waiting. Analyzing. Swearing…a lot. Wondering if the government will shut down come October 1st, because a group of grown-ass adults can't play well together.

Pardon my American but, f*ck your political party. You are employed by the American people and your performance review has a huge red check in the "Needs Improvement" column. You are currently on probation and have a week to get your act together. That is how it works. There are a plethora of slimy douche lords dying for your job. You can be replaced. As Beyoncé (I know she has a lot of political pull) says, "don't for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceableeeee, to the left, to the left (or right…let's meet in the middle and get some work done).

Newsflash: Obamacare isn't the problem.  It is merely this year's scapegoat for a larger problem. A polarized, partisan, and procrastinating legislature is the common denominator.  That is the #Change we need.

Thank you once again for taking the time to not read this.

Your Internet Pen-pal,

SydRock