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"Trendy and up-and-coming" means "wine bars and fabulous consignment shops with a side of drive-by-shootings"
"I work for Congressman <insert name here>" means "I am poor and obnoxious (& probably have below average genitalia)"
"I am going to the Virgina Wine Festival" means....I actually have no idea. I do not remember any part of the 3 I went to..
"Let's go to brunch" means "I'm not an alcoholic because I am eating too, right?"
"Let's go to a Nats game" means "I'm not an alcoholic because there is baseball too, right?"
"I play kickball" means "I am not even trying to hide my alcoholism"
"I am from DC originally" means "I am from Fairfax, VA"
"It's springtime!" means "school field trip season-- must.stab.ovaries.until.not.functional"
"It's going to snow" means "it's raining but that may (wont) change-- CANCEL EVERYTHINGGG"
"I live in the District" means "Oh hey, take all my money, please, take some more, come on I still have a nickel and the shirt on my back, take those too"
"I work for a non-profit" means "I am actively searching for a job in corporate"
"I live in Arlington" means "I'm a bro"
"I live in Bethesda" means "I am a Maryland bro"
"I'm a foodie" means "I Yelp, therefore I am"
"I'm an intern" means "I failed to turn around and see how high up my ass the slit in my pencil skirt actually is"
"Let's just take the Metro" means "Let's find a way to kill this buzz"
"Let's go to Southeast" means...hahaha just kidding no body's ever said that
"I'm a Redskins fan" means "YOU ARE RACIST!" -Bob Costas
So there you have it-- my impeccably accurate guide to our Nation's Capital. Now shine up those loafers, pop those Polo collars-- you're ready to go. While I am pretty positive this city will implode without me-- let's all try to hold on to those memories we've made along the way...#neverforgetcapitalsarcasm