Wednesday, July 23, 2014

DC Cheat Sheet

It is with great sadness I inform the greater DC metro area, that I will be moving back up to New England to pursue my law degree. 
<moment of silence>
While I am sure to flunk out and be back here within the next 2 months, let's just pretend that this is actually happening and reflect back on my time here, in the "Hollywood for Ugly People". To pay tribute, I thought it may be worthwhile to write down some of the lessons and observations I have learned while being a Washingtonian, so future generations of imports have an easier time deciphering their surroundings:

"Trendy and up-and-coming" means "wine bars and fabulous consignment shops with a side of drive-by-shootings"

"I work for Congressman <insert name here>" means "I am poor and obnoxious (& probably have below average genitalia)"

"I am going to the Virgina Wine Festival" means....I actually have no idea. I do not remember any part of the 3 I went to..

"Let's go to brunch" means "I'm not an alcoholic because I am eating too, right?"

"Let's go to a Nats game" means "I'm not an alcoholic because there is baseball too, right?"

"I play kickball" means "I am not even trying to hide my alcoholism"

"I am from DC originally" means "I am from Fairfax, VA"

"It's springtime!" means "school field trip season-- must.stab.ovaries.until.not.functional"

"It's going to snow" means "it's raining but that may (wont) change-- CANCEL EVERYTHINGGG"

"I live in the District" means "Oh hey, take all my money, please, take some more, come on I still have a nickel and the shirt on my back, take those too"

"I work for a non-profit" means "I am actively searching for a job in corporate"

"I live in Arlington" means "I'm a bro"

"I live in Bethesda" means "I am a Maryland bro"

"I'm a foodie" means "I Yelp, therefore I am" 

"I'm an intern" means "I failed to turn around and see how high up my ass the slit in my pencil skirt actually is"

"Let's just take the Metro" means "Let's find a way to kill this buzz"

"Let's go to Southeast" means...hahaha just kidding no body's ever said that

"I'm a Redskins fan" means "YOU ARE RACIST!" -Bob Costas

So there you have it-- my impeccably accurate guide to our Nation's Capital. Now shine up those loafers, pop those Polo collars-- you're ready to go. While I am pretty positive this city will implode without me-- let's all try to hold on to those memories we've made along the way...#neverforgetcapitalsarcasm

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Sponsor a Law Student

Starving, weak, and with minimal access to health care, a young woman weeps herself to sleep. Hi my name is Sydney, and I am the co-founder and CEO of Concerned Citizens for Sydney's Juris Doctorate (CCSJD.Org). 

For just $130 a day you can help feed, clothe and educate a law student. Every year, thousands of aspiring attorneys plunge into a stanky, hot, shit pile of debt in pursuit of justice (a Mercedes SLS). Drowning in said shit pile, these innocent baby lawyers are propelled into a violent spiral of Adderall and Starburst diets, cable packets without HBO (ya guys, that’s a thing!), and a lifetime of regret when they inevitably realize the legal market is completely over-saturated and they will never be employed. While's goal of $47,000 each year, for 3 years, may be just pennies to you, for this law student, it means survival.

Your donation can help put a smile on a face of our nation's future.

"Be the change you want to see in the world"

(I'm like 60% sure Gandhi was specifically referencing strangers helping me fund my legal education)

Friday, April 11, 2014


While in Las Vegas, Hilary Clinton was nearly taken out by a poor fashion choice...


Rants on Rants on Rants

Volume I: The "Kickstarter" Generation

You see, I would totally love to give you money to follow your dreams and all, buttttt there is this little thing called my life that I have to pay for. 

I get it, you want to create a crappy indie film or have me pay for your trip to Thailand so you can teach Pilates to blind orphans, but I must have skipped the part where the bank of Sydney was now responsible for supplying your personal petty cash. 

I would like to go to a fancy restaurant tonight and drink $1000 bottle champagne, as a topless Channing Tatum hands me chocolate covered strawberries, plated in diamonds and $100 bills, but you don't see me trolling the internet like a virtual call girl. 

I remember the good ole days where people, I don't know, got a job to support themselves. Believe it or not I did not write "in a cubicle, with no windows, babysitting government employees" in my 5th grade yearbook when asked what I wanted to do when I was older.   

Yet this epidemic of entitlement amongst my peers seems to be spreading. In fact, WebMD recently released a study showing that the rate in carpal tunnel in people my age is on the rise because of 'increased stress on wrists from handouts'*

We now live in a world that instead of going out and changing our situation we write a depressing Facebook status, buy a lottery ticket and hope the universe runs a truck full of gold bars and rainbows into our front door. By god, if that were the case I’d be on my couch with my hand in my underpants watching Dr. Phil right now. SPOILER ALERT: it's not. Stop it, just stop it. Stop being a charity case because it's tacky and obnoxious.  

(world's smallest violin plays in the background)

*WebMD actually never released such a study, I totally made it up. All quotes associated...totally made up as well.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Profile Picture Analysis

Facebook has created monsters. Filter-obsessed, crop-enthused monsters. The "Profile Pic" has become the gateway to our online presence, so ensuring the right message gets across is vital to securing our place in the virtual community. Unfortunately, seeing past this fa├žade is rather easy. Now people might not like what they are about to read, but if you use my translations, 60% of the time they work every time.  

What your profile picture says about you:

You in a group of people.
What you think it means: "Look I have friends"
What it really means: "Woof"

You and your significant other.
What you think it means: "I am so happy and in love"
What it really means: "F*CK YOU SINGLE FRIENDS!!"

You with a bare-skinned body part in the forefront.
What you think it means: "Hi haters, I am comfortable in my skin"
What it really means: "Please, someone tellll me I am pretttty!!"

You working out.
What you think it means: "Be fit. Be Happy."
What it really means: "At night, I eat an entire container of peanut butter and cry myself to sleep"

A picture of your child.
What you think it means: "I love my kids so much!"
What it really means: "I've let myself go... please focus on my #tbt pics from college"

A icon supporting a cause.
What you think it means: "I am a dedicated activist"
What it really means: "Eh this'll do. F*ck if I'm going on a 3-day walk"

An artistic picture of you glancing out at a sunset.
What you think it means: "Life is so beautiful"
What it really means is: "Woof and/or foreigner"

A sports team logo.
What you think it means: "SPORTS!"
What it really means: "Single forever"

A selfie.
What you think it means: "Look at my natural beauty"
What it really means: "I sat in my car for 30 min taking pictures of myself"

You and a celebrity.
What you think it means: "I am cool and well connected"
What it really means: "I still call in to radio shows"

Nailed it.

*DISCALIMER: No human subjects were hurt conducting this study. Capital Sarcasm is not liable for your pride, confidence, and/or self-esteem. If you have an erection for longer than 4 hours, you're welcome.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I'm Feeling so Fly Like a G7


A transcript of the phone call between President Barack Obama and President Vladimir Putin has been leaked exclusively to Capital Sarcasm. The source who has asked to be anonymous (hahaha jk ***IT WAS SNOWDEN!!!***) managed to tap the Russian President's office, and send me a copy of the conversation that took place after the group, formally known as the G8, had an emergency, super secret, clubhouse meeting to decide Russia's fate on their MySpace "Top 8".

OBAMA: "Mr. Putin, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday."

PUTIN: "So...?"

OBAMA: "So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us."

PUTIN: "Whatever. Those rules aren't real."

OBAMA: "They were real that day I wore a vest!"

PUTIN: "Because that vest was disgusting!"


"Ohh and Mr. Kraft wants his ring back."

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

State of the Union Recap

Quotes, not said by me during the State of the Union last night:

"I need to find out who styles that lady's hair"

"This is so interesting"

"I just love when they clap"

"There are no adult diapers in this room"
"That joke was super good Mr. President, well done"

"No please don't change the channel"

"This should happen every Tuesday"


"Boehner is never getting melanoma"

"Look at how in shape that guy is"

"They didn't exploit anyone tonight"


"We totally helped Syria with all of their problems"

"Oh my god...mind blown"

Things I did say during the State of the Union:

"Man I really want pizza now"

$10/hour to feed my family buy a new iPhone